From Square One, Closing

....... a child.

It took some time for the abuses to stop. It wasn't me who have brought up the matter to other elders. It was another cousin that he was also doing the same abuses. However he was just apprehended but was never incarcerated. "Bantay Bata (Child Watch)" is not yet known during that time. They chose to shut up for what matters most was the sake and name of the clan. Our family hold the municipality the same as the Marcoses did during his regime. The case would mean disrespect from the community. So no word came up. It angered me so much deep inside. I am just a nobody.

Again fate stepped in as my family failed to have a decent life in the province even if we're near our relatives. Life got harder for us so my Dad decided to pawn our house to my grandfather. He accepted it. I can't believe it, he should be helping us instead of putting us knee deep in the mud. My dad was devastated but at least we have some money to start on. When we get back to Manila we started our life again. We tried fitting in a single rented room in the city. Everything was there, the living room, the kitchen, the bedroom. We had a communal bathroom where everyone in that same house were using. The house had other tenants and all of them were family just like us. We were in squalor. The hardships in our life had me more occupied than my budding homosexuality. Everything was thrown at the back.

It didn't take long when our funds have depleted, and we were forced to look for another place to live. Wonder of wonders, there's another relative have rescued us. We ended up living in the southern part of Metro Manila. Life over there wasn't any better. We didn't pay rent but we took care of the property. And when I said took care, it means doing the herculean task of making the place habitable. When we arrived the place was a wreck, a small-hill with big ipil-ipil trees can be found in the backyard a throng of mosquitoes guarded it. Me and my dad flattened the mount of soil with our own bare hands under the scorching sun. We planted crops there so we can get by. Having less than enough, we crawled out of poverty. Time flew and little did we know that we were already young adults.

During the elementary school years I was already showing hints of queerness. I always played with girls. More involved in cultural activities and never did bother to learn any type of sports. My classmates started teasing me but I paid no attention them. I was happy being what I am. Life went on until one day when I was in the 6th grade I met this guy. He's way older than me. He was a street vendor selling cigarettes. I was resting midway from my walk to my house and sitting under a roofed lot. He approached me and started to ask me some questions. He seemed to be a nice guy. We talked about a lot of things. He was amazed that I know more than my age. He was amazed about me knowing more about SEX. He dared me to put it in practice with him. We lured me into fucking him in a vacant storage house that's where he taught me how to fuck his ass. I didn't like it at all but I remembered getting the hardest boner I ever had. I never came but the event solidified my attraction to guys. After that we never saw each other again. I continued walking the same route hoping that we would cross paths again. We never did but then I met a handsome priest who was very fond of me. He gave me toys and asked me to pass by the church everyday. And so I did. He was abnormally sweet to me. He liked giving me a body rub. I didn't see anything sexual in it so I allowed him. However, before something might have happened to us he was transferred. I missed him, his touches and his encouragements. I knew then that I was different.

It was the sophomore year when I came out. Disappointing half of my female classmates who had a crush on me. I am not a looker but I was always topping the class. The year before that I had my first and last girlfriend. We never broke up. I just realized it wasn't her that I was falling for it was my male best-friend. He left before he ever knew that I was attracted to him. While the poor girl never knew the reason why I dumped her.

High school life was indeed the happiest time of my life. I've got lots of friends, including the ones that have introduced me more into sex. I've got lots of boyfriends too during that time.

They've helped me hone my talents in giving pleasure to the same sex. Me and my gay pals counted partners more than we could. Year 1986, Rock Hudson was diagnosed with the gay disease. Sex was just sex, as we were so ignorant then.

Even with so much disgusto, we spent one summer vacation back in our province. Memories came back reeling as I had to face my uncle who had molested me. He did change a bit he became somewhat ashamed and avoided me while I was there. Maybe because I was out and proud already and he saw the effect of what he had done to me. Although I never blamed him. And even though we have grown up, my dearest cousin was still the apple of the eyes my relatives. Nothing have changed, I was the bad apple. I am still a nobody. He never have shown any signs that he remembered whatever had happened between us. His non-chalant irked me heavily that I turned my attention to a younger male cousin.He was the one who had asked help from his parents when we were being molested by my uncle. He had grown a bit of a young man thus a prey to my eyes. I had an evil plan to seduce my younger cousin to doing it with me. One time, I went over his house and since we live nearby I had no trouble asking him if we can play together. Same trick, we tussled and hustled then when I got the chance I grabbed his crotch. He was aroused obviously as his shorts were already wet with precum. He haven't ejaculated before so when he saw the wet spot, he was intrigued by it:

"Hey what happened? Did I just pissed on myself?"
"You don't know what that is?"
"Nope!"
"It's your love juice.......It comes out whenever you get excited. Are you excited?"
"Yes I am!"
"You want me to continue?"
"Please do!"

And so I did. Armed with all the skills I learned from my past experiences I gave him the blowjob of his life, which he really liked and enjoyed. I let him come inside my mouth. He asked me to do it once again the day after that. And then the day after that. Until he was so much into it, that I started feeling guilty. One time after we did it he had a seizure. He was epileptic. I felt more guilty than ever before in my life. Not only I am a gay and he was my cousin but I had repeated the vicious cycle. The prey now became the predator. I realized that it had to stop. But he wanted to continue doing it as soon as he recovered after a few days from his seizure;

"Let's do it again, please!"
"No I don't think we should"
"Why not?"
"It's not right."
"But I want you to."
"I said no and never. It's just a one time thing"
"Please!!!"

He was so persistent that he grabbed and kissed me. I kicked him on the face and got him shocked and so was I. Confused like hell, I left him sobbing. I did not mind what happened to him at all. I scurried back to Manila all by myself. That was the last time I saw him. My guilt is still within me until.......

"Hi cousin!"
"Hey!"
"What's up?"
"Am fine, it's good you were able to chat me."
"Yeah I got your addie from -------"
"Oh yeah!"
"So how's your life there in D.R.?"
"Oh just work and stuff"
"Hey have you heard about -------(1st male cousin)? He left his mom and lived with his girlfriend now!"
"Really?I didn't know."

My female cousin news got me excited. Although I have decided long ago not to be bothered about anything that is related to my relatives, I inquisitively asked;

"What about Uncle -------?
"Oh him, he's still a bachelor."
"Hmmmmm!"
"He's living alone in the province."

I could not elaborate no more as I might give her an idea.

"Hey, one time I would like you to chat with my pop, mom and -------"
"Sure why not?"

We had chatted a lot of other things whenever she saw me online she buzzes me. One time she buzzed me and told me she's with someone who wants to see me on cam. I opened my webcam and saw him (the 2nd male cousin) and was flabbergasted. He was an adult now. We said our casual 'hi's and 'hello's' until I asked them if he's already married. They said he wasn't fit to be engaged because of his condition. I sulked and felt remorse. Their answer was not enough to take the guilt from me. It have bitten me once again. The years that have passed failed to erase it. Albeit the predator in me preys no more.